[Lady Bracknell and Algernon have just exited into the music room.] JACK Don't worry Miss Fairfax, nothing will come of all this. In my experience nothing ever comes of anything. GWENDOLEN Pray don't talk to me about nonexistence, Mr. Worthing. Whenever people talk to me about nothing, I always feel quite certain that they mean something else. JACK I do mean something else. GWENDOLEN I thought so. JACK Nothing is or is not, but that thinking determines the matter. GWENDOLEN Lady Bracknell has a way of coming suddenly back into rooms, and thinking has never made it not so. JACK I should get to the point then. There's something I desperately need to discuss with you. GWENDOLEN Critical Race Theory? JACK Um… no. I am in love with you Miss Fairfax. GWENDOLEN Romantically? JACK Madly. I know that's terribly conventional but it feels utterly unique somehow. GWENDOLEN Are you sure it isn't existential angst? JACK It's hard to tell the difference sometimes, isn't it? GWENDOLEN Oh, very, Mr. Worthing. Very. JACK I fell in angst once. This is different. GWENDOLEN Oh, I'm sure it's nothing, Mr. Worthing. JACK I'm sure that it's not, but you asked me not to talk about nothing. GWENDOLEN So long as you don't mean something else. JACK Marry me, Miss Fairfax. Before you change your mind. Or I mine. GWENDOLEN I've never believed that one should marry for angst. JACK Well, then do it in haste. Does this village have a vicar? GWENDOLEN Not any more. Now we have a meteorologist. JACK Does he preside at weddings? GWENDOLEN He talks about the weather. Is it true what they say? JACK You would have to wait until they say it. In my experience, the voracity of statements not yet made is exceedingly difficult to ascertain. GWENDOLEN They say that love is forever. JACK Oh, that. No, I think they mean existential angst. GWENDOLEN It's hard to tell the difference sometimes. JACK Sometimes I feel it's just a thought. Other times I think it's just a feeling. GWENDOLEN Maybe we should just talk about the weather. JACK When people talk about the weather, they usually mean something else. It makes me quite nervous. GWENDOLEN It's all weather, Mr. Worthing. Everything is exactly like the weather. JACK I was afraid this all would come to nothing, Miss Fairfax. And now it actually has. GWENDOLEN It's a wonder anything happens at all, Mr. Worthing. [Lady Bracknell fails to come suddenly back into the room. Awkward silence.] —
With all respect to Mr. Oscar Wilde.