The Importance of Being Existential

[Lady Bracknell and Algernon have
just exited into the music room.]

          JACK
Don't worry Miss Fairfax, nothing will
come of all this. In my experience
nothing ever comes of anything.

          GWENDOLEN 
Pray don't talk to me about nonexistence,
Mr. Worthing. Whenever people talk to me
about nothing, I always feel quite certain
that they mean something else.

          JACK
I do mean something else.

          GWENDOLEN
I thought so.

          JACK
Nothing is or is not, but that
thinking determines the matter.

          GWENDOLEN
Lady Bracknell has a way of coming
suddenly back into rooms, and thinking
has never made it not so.

          JACK
I should get to the point then. There's
something I desperately need to
discuss with you.

          GWENDOLEN
Critical Race Theory?

          JACK
Um… no. I am in love with you Miss Fairfax.

          GWENDOLEN
Romantically?

          JACK
Madly. I know that's terribly conventional
but it feels utterly unique somehow.

          GWENDOLEN
Are you sure it isn't existential angst?

          JACK
It's hard to tell the difference
sometimes, isn't it?

          GWENDOLEN
Oh, very, Mr. Worthing. Very.

          JACK
I fell in angst once. This is different.

          GWENDOLEN
Oh, I'm sure it's nothing, Mr. Worthing.

          JACK
I'm sure that it's not, but you asked
me not to talk about nothing.

          GWENDOLEN
So long as you don't mean something else.

          JACK
Marry me, Miss Fairfax. Before you
change your mind. Or I mine.

          GWENDOLEN
I've never believed that one should
marry for angst.

          JACK
Well, then do it in haste. Does this
village have a vicar?

          GWENDOLEN
Not any more. Now we have a
meteorologist.

          JACK
Does he preside at weddings?

          GWENDOLEN
He talks about the weather. Is it true
what they say?

          JACK
You would have to wait until
they say it. In my experience, the
voracity of statements not yet made
is exceedingly difficult to ascertain.

          GWENDOLEN
They say that love is forever.

          JACK
Oh, that. No, I think they mean
existential angst.

          GWENDOLEN
It's hard to tell the difference sometimes.

          JACK
Sometimes I feel it's just a thought.
Other times I think it's just a feeling.

          GWENDOLEN
Maybe we should just talk about the weather.

          JACK
When people talk about the weather, they
usually mean something else. It makes
me quite nervous.

          GWENDOLEN
It's all weather, Mr. Worthing. Everything
is exactly like the weather.

          JACK
I was afraid this all would come to
nothing, Miss Fairfax. And now
it actually has.

          GWENDOLEN
It's a wonder anything happens at all,
Mr. Worthing.

[Lady Bracknell fails to come suddenly
back into the room. Awkward silence.]

With all respect to Mr. Oscar Wilde.